Australia's Guide to Bribing Europe
by TheEmberGirl
Summary: Ever wondered why Australia was present at Eurovision 2014? Well here's the answer. Kink Meme deanon


**A/N: a kink meme deanon plus all the formatting that disappeared on the meme. Posting this while updates for stories are being written. **

**Enjoy!**

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><p><strong>Australia's Guide to Bribing Europe<strong>

_Otherwise known as Australia's Guide to Bribing, Flattering and Blackmailing Europe_

A week before the 'Who should we allow into Eurovision' meeting...

'Come on Denny!' The Australian man whined. 'We're drinking buddies and besides Princess Mary would love it!'

'I knew you'd put her up to it...'

'Yeah! I mean, what; no, maybe.'

Denmark sighed inwardly; he and Australia were good friends, but still...

'Ya know, if I were the only one deciding you'd be in, but even though I'm the host, the rest if Europe has to let you in as well. You'll have to wait for the meeting, if you know what I mean.'

Australia's expression brightened.

'Yair, I know whatcha mean, I think I have it sorted. But first you up for a drink or two?'

'Now we're talking,'

Later that night

A substantially intoxicated Australia wandered through the streets of Copenhagen trying to figure out how to get to the nearest nation. He'd worked out the nations most likely to back him. Aside from Denmark he was also drinking buddies with Germany. France had that somewhat creepy school dedicated to him as a sign of gratitude after WWI. Then there was his mum of course, not that England could be counted on in this case, he always got quite testy about Eurovision. By this time Australia realised that he was in no fit state to be travelling and promptly checked himself into a hotel before passing out due to excessive alcohol consumption.

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><p><strong>At various times during the next week<strong>

Australia decided to start with Germany, carrying a six pack of VB, and some brand he couldn't read that he bought from a nearby shop, he knocked on a nondescript door on the outskirts of Berlin. After being ushered in Australia decided to make his case.

'So...'

'Eurovision?'

'Yair, how'dya know?'

'You were nagging Denmark about something at the last World Conference, I put two plus two together.'

'Ah,'

'Why do you want to perform anyway? It's a bit of a silly contest?'

'Well, y'know I've been there with my commentators for ages, and my people love watching it too,'

A raised eyebrow.

'Fine, fine. Zea dared me as well, you dunno how humiliating it'd be for me if I'm rejected. Zea'll never let me hear the end of it.'

Germany looked at the clock.

'I have a meeting with my boss in half an hour,'

'But-'

'Don't worry, I know what it's like to lose a bet to a brother,'

Success.

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><p>Boosted by his first victory the Australian then went to visit his mum. It went as predicted.<p>

'Why would you want to bother with a ridiculous song contest?'

_Hello_ mum, don'tcha think that kinda suits me? As if reading his mind England continued:

'I guess that is kind of your style, but seeing you ruined my day by merely mentioning that accursed contest; no.'

'Aww man-'

'No,'

'But but, I gave little Prince George a kangaroo toy, and we're not even planning to become a republic anytime soon...this is about losing the Ashes last year, isn't it? You're such a sore loser, Mum.'

England blanched. Evidently Australia had hit a sore spot

'I'll think about it,' he said before all but kicking Australia out.

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><p>'Ohonhonhonhonhon, hello Australie, care for a glass of wine?'<p>

'Yair, nah. I'm fine thanks.' Australia had never really been one for wine.

'Shame, this is a good red...So, what are you doing here? If I may ask. Were you visiting Angleterre?'

'I was, but I wanted to see you too?'

'Ohonhonhonhon. What can I do for you?'

'Well I was wondering you could back me up in the Eurovision meeting thingy later this week.'

'Ah, of course. but what do I get out of it. A kiss, non?'

'Urm,'

'I was joking, mon ami,'

'No no, I actually do have something for you,' He pulled out a potted rose with strangely coloured petals.

'The scientists back at my place have been messing with hybrid roses, this one was a white rose with some blue and red genes mixed in. Cool huh?'

'I'll plant it in my garden, merci~'

Heh, I'll just omit the fact that some boffin was trying to make it look like my flag.

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><p>Australia was carrying several baby Queensland turtles and had just bought a bag of tomatoes at the local market when he ran into Spain, who was apparently there for tomato shopping.<p>

'Hola, Australia. What are you doing here?'

'Nothing much, but I have something for you,'

'Ooh, what is it?'

Spain happily accepted the tomatoes and accepted the turtles even more happily.

'Gracias~,'

'No problems mate, but er, could ya do something for me?'

'Sure what?'

'Can you back me up at the Eurovision meeting?'

'Of course, why didn't you say so earlier!'

That was easier than he'd expected.

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><p>Italy was entranced by the possum Australia handed to him.<p>

'Veee~ It's so fluffy, almost like a cat but not. Can I name it?'

'Of course, she's yours.'

'Really?'

'Yep. But could you back me up at the Eurovision meeting?'

'No! You're not even part of Europe, bastard!' Romano interjected before Italy could even open his mouth. Australia wasn't fazed.

'Oh hi there Romano, Spain told me to give you this,'

He handed a large tomato over.

'I don't want any of the Tomato Bastard's gifts,' Romano snapped. However he took the tomato and seemed to be placated by it as he didn't complain when Italy wholeheartedly agreed to back Australia up at the meeting.

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><p>'What is it?'<p>

'S'a bilby,' Australia's voice was slightly muffled as he was eating a waffle from the plate the Belgium always kept on her living room table. Belgium ignored her guest's seemingly rude manners, one got used to him after a while.

'It's adorable,'

The sleeping bilby on Belgium's lap twitched it's ears as Belgium stroked it fur.

'So I was wondering if you'd back me in in the Eurovision meeting...'

'Of course, I was beginning to wonder when you'd ask,'

'Sweet,'

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><p>'So if you back me up, I'll get my boss to talk to your boss about more trading between us,'<p>

'Deal,'

The Netherlands had always been a business centred man of few words.

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><p>Finland was in the stables with his reindeers when Australia found him.<p>

'G'day Finland!'

'Hello to you too Australia, what can I do for you? It's never too early for Christmas requests.'

Australia blinked, he'd never thought of his request on his Christmas wish list.

'Blimey, I guess you could count this as a request, but I kinda need it by the end of the week...'

'But there's nothing on this week except...the Eurovision meeting?'

'Yair, I'm gonna ask if I can send in a performer,' he grinned sheepishly. 'It'd be bonza if you could back me up.

'Also I have something for ya. Meet Joey and Jody!'

'Are those kangaroos?'

'They're joeys; baby kangaroos, but when they grow up they can pull yer sleigh for ya.'

By this time the two joeys had hopped over to Finland and he petted them tentatively.

'They're so friendly!'

'They usually are, unless provoked. Y'know you could use them to guard yer sleigh for now.'

'Well, that should keep Denmark and Prussia from stealing it for joyrides,' Finland laughed.

'So...Eurovision?'

'Count me in.'

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><p>Sweden was exactly where Australia expected him to be-in an IKEA store-which gave Australia a chance to browse the furniture.<p>

'Hi Sweden, I just _love_ your IKEA furniture, they always have such great aesthetics. Ooh, and that sofa over there looks really comfy!'

Sweden looked slightly amused-well as amused as his blank expression could get.

'E'rovis'on?' Sweden chuckled slightly at Australia's sheepish expression. 'Y'kn'w m'w'fe 's b'ck'ng y'u, 'nd I s'pp'rt h's d'scisi'ns.'

'Aww thanks mate. I actually wasn't kidding though, especially about that sofa. I need a new one since that possum got in and scratched mine up.'

In the end Australia got both another vote and a new IKEA sofa.

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><p>Australia was surprised when Iceland opened Norway's door. When he mentioned this Iceland replied:<p>

'He's keeping me here until I call him 'Big Brother', in all honesty I could leave anytime, but I like letting Mr Puffin wreak havoc on his house until he gives up. If you're looking for Norway he's just gone to yell at Denmark about something, you can come in and wait for him to come back.'

'Actually I wanted to talk to you too. Your volcanoes are awesome! I remember when that dust cloud blew all over Europe, and grounded all the planes at Heathrow, mum was so annoyed! It was hilarious!'

Iceland couldn't help smirking a bit, honestly the blocked nose and slight cough it'd caused him was worth the reaction in a certain other island nation and the most of mainland Europe.

'This is about Eurovision isn't it?'

Australia groaned.

'How did you know?'

'Denmark, Finland and Sweden brought it up at our "Family Dinner" last night. Even if you hadn't asked me, I would have voted in your favour anyway. There needs to be even more entertainment at Eurovision.'

Something in Iceland's expression indicated that he would have a colourful entry this year.

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><p>Norway returned after an hour later while Iceland and Australia were still busily chatting about volcanos and other natural phenomenons. Before Australia could say anything, Iceland announced:<p>

'Australia's here to ask about Eurovision!' Before looking innocently at Australia.

'So I heard,'Norway's neutral time wasn't particularly encouraging. Australia pushed on anyway:

'I brought something for you from my place, he's a bearded dragon.' He opened the shoebox he was holding and Norway peered into it to see a pair of beady eyes peering back. The reptile in the box did indeed look somewhat like a minute spiky-albeit wingless-dragon, and it did-in fact-have a beard. Norway took the off Australia to have a closer inspection, suddenly the "dragon" sprinted up his arm and onto his shoulder. Australia laughed.

'He likes you,'

'So it seems,' Norway's tone was the same as ever.

'Y'know, you've gotta keep him somewhere warm, like in a room with a fireplace, cos he's used to heat.'

'Thank you,' by this time the reptile had climbed onto Norway's head and seemed to be eyeing something behind the nation. 'I like him too, you've got my vote.'

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><p>Bang. Bang.<p>

'Go away!' Bang.

'You're not even part of Europe!' More shots were fired at the fleeing Australian.

'And stay away from my sister!'

Doesn't Switzerland realise I have a little sister too, Australia wondered when he was a safe distance away from the gun loving nation.

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><p>Watching the other nation over a cup of coffee, Australia wondered if Hungary could guarantee him Austria's backing as well.<p>

'Do you like the coffee?' Said frying pan wielding nation asked, being a ever gracious host.

'Yair, much better than the stuff at mum's place.'

'I presume you're here for reasons other than good coffee?'

'Now that you mention it, I have a rather_ interesting _video.' At the mention of this Hungary's eyes lit up.

'Do give some details,'

'Well, if you remember last year's Christmas party-'

'So many pairs of nations disappeared into corners together...Do go on.'

'Well you see, Zea stole my video camera and hid it. The thing is when he took it was filming and he put it on top of the highest closet.' He paused for dramatic effect.

So imagine my surprise when I finally found it and plugged into my computer to charge the dead batts, and hey presto, four hours of continuous video appear. The video feature many of the-how did you put it-mysteriously disappeared pairs of nations. And a copy of that footage is on here.' Australia finished, pulling a unassuming black USB from his pocket and offering it to Hungary. She snatched it up gleefully before stowing it in her own pocket.

'What can I do for you in return?'

'Back me up at the Eurovision meeting.'

'Consider that done, I also have a way for you to _persuade _Austria to help as well...

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><p>Austria playing Chopin was enough to indicate his ire. Australia however was not the most sensible or tactful person-far from it actually-and decided to try again.<p>

'Are you sure-'

'What part of no do you not understand, Australia?'

'This is about the similar names thing isn't it?'

'Of course it isn't, I for one would never sink to such uncouth levels,'

That was almost a contradiction, Australia thought.

'Hungary told me this would happen, she also said something about photos? And drooling...'

'Alright, alright. You have my vote. Of course I'm not surprised you'd resort to blackmail, _Australia_. I hope you make a fool of yourself at Eurovision.'

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><p>'Ah, Australia. I was just scrying and foresaw your arrival. I know you're here about Eurovision and that you have something for me.'<p>

Australia groaned and handed the platypus over. Damn people with strange powers.

'A very interesting specimen, I also foresee that you'll be taking a journey somewhere cold soon,' Romania gave him a toothy smile that showed his fangs.

'One question, is this scrying thing how mum uncannily knows how I'm about to prank him sometimes?'

'Maybe,'

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><p>Poland loved the galah Australia gave him, and agreed to back him at the meeting, before shooing him out again saying something about practicing churning butter.<p>

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><p>Australia's time to persuade the European nations was almost up. Romania was right about a journey to somewhere cold. Ukraine was his first stop in Eastern Europe.<p>

'What have you got there Australia?'

'It's a koala,'

Seeing Ukraine's expression Australia quickly added:

'It's not the one I usually carry around-I know he can act a little feral-this one a distant cousin. She's harmless.' As if to emphasise his point the koala yawned. Ukraine laughed and picked up the furry marsupial.

'So can you back me up at the Eurovision meeting?'

'Of course, you could have asked me straightaway...there's a family dinner tonight, do you want to come and ask the others?'

'Sure,'

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><p>Russia's house-mansion really- was exactly what Australia expected; big and cold. As the Baltics nervously welcomed him at the door Australia handed them a large hamper full of goodies; ugg boots, sheepskin blankets, manuka honey , ANZAC biscuits and lamingtons. Russia was pleasantly surprised that someone not in his family had decided to join him for dinner.<p>

'So Avstraliya, why have you come to see me?'

'Well, I needed to ask yer somethin' ,'

'Are you here to become one with me?'

'No not that,' Australia laughed nervously. 'I just wanted to ask whether you'd support my bid to send someone to perform at Eurovision...'

'That silly contest? Why would Avstraliya want to participate in that?'

Russia childishly innocent voice was causing chills to run down Australia's spine, but he forced himself to answer.

'Well it's just for a bit of fun...Also I have this for you.'

He took a small plant in a large pot out from under the table.

'What is that?' Russia asked, his curiosity piqued.

'It's a sunflower plant,' Australia explained. 'Just keep watering it and it'll grow taller then start flowering.'

'Really? For me?'

Australia couldn't help grinning at Russia's expression; a childlike mixture of delight and near disbelief.

'Yair. Here, have a packet of seeds as well,'

'Why are they red?'

'Ah, they're the giant reds, they can produce around ten heads with red streaked petals.'

'It's a wonderful gift. I shall be supporting you at the meeting and I'm sure the Baltics will do the same, da?'

'Y-yes, Mr Russia,' the Baltics replied, not entirely out of fear of Russia because those lamingtons were _good_.

Dinner went on normally after that, Ukraine smiled at Australia glad that someone had made her brother and the aura Russia emitted was almost endearing seeing how cheerful he was. That was until Australia remembered Belarus was part of the family and she appeared wielding a knife and demanding Australia to stay away from her Dear Brother.

For the second time in a week Australia found himself running for his life.

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><p><strong>The meeting<strong>

This was it, Australia knew he hadn't visited every single European nation-Europe was a diverse place after all-but he had to take his chances. As soon as he rose from his seat an argument broke out…whoops.

**15 minutes later**

All of the nations that Australia visited had backed him up as they'd promised (except for England, but then again he hadn't so much as promised but rather said he'd consider it), and shown their support in their own ways.

It was clear, the majority had voted for Australia to send a performer to Eurovision. However it was too soon to start celebrating, as England and Austria had just finished their discussion with the nations that didn't support Australia.

'We've decided to impose one condition; you have to make a video explaining to the whole of Europe how you begged to join in,' England stated. Behind him Austria's expression was a close to a smirk as the aristocratic nation could get it while Denmark winced. Australia struggled to keep his expression neutral.

'Deal,' he said, suppressing his grin. _I've gotta tell Sam and Julia the good news! Mum's really sealed the deal with this, thinking he can humiliate me. He's forgotten how much we like to make jokes that our own expense._

'Well I have a lot to prepare for. See you in May!' Australia addressed Denmark directly, before leaving the meeting room. It had been a long week.

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><p><strong>Omake<strong>

Australia grinned proudly as his act ended, accepting the congratulations from the other nations. Julia and Sam had really overdone themselves with that video, turning the joke back on his Mum at the ending by dropping Australia's entire country onto him. Jessica Mauboy had performed stunningly as well, but what Australia was the most (ridiculously) proud of was the minute-long skit before her performance as he could see conspiratorially indulgent expressions of certain Europeans as the performers sang about various Australian animals in their capitals. After all, that was what partially got him here.

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><p><strong>Notes:<strong>

Crown Princess Mary of Denmark used to live in Tasmania, Australia. Her husband first met her in a Tasmanian pub.

I hope I'm not offending anyone by calling it creepy, but the 'creepy school' is a place that students from my school (not including me) have visited in a previous Europe tour, built by the French to remember the Australian soldier who freed their town. I was really touched when my history teacher last year told us about it, but slightly weirded out about the amount of Aussie paraphernalia decorating it, and so get the feeling that Oz would feel the same.

VB: Victoria Bitter, a common brand of beer in Australia. (I'm using it because I'm Victorian)

The Ashes: a cricket tournament between Australian and England that Australia has a knack of winning (we won last year)

As far as I know those roses don't actually exist

You can probably look up images of all the native animals but the Bilby thing is a bit of a joke. Because in Australia rabbits are feral pest that destroy the natural habitat of bilbies, therefore we sometimes use an Easter Bilby rather than an Easter Bunny, and you know, Belgium and chocolate, chocolate eggs…(lame joke I know). Everyone else got their animals for specific reasons too

Yes the colourful thing was a pun, as Iceland's band was very colourful

The thing the bearded dragon was eyeing was Norway's troll, apparently he could see it

Did You Know Fact: the first time Australia won an Olympic event, nobody knew who we were and played the Austrian anthem…whoops

ANZAC biscuit, delicious biscuits that were first made to send to ANZAC soldiers during WWI

Those sunflowers exist, people in my neighbourhood love to grow them

Sam and Julia refer to Sam Pang and Julia Zemiro, the Australian Eurovision commentators. They're very funny, especially Julia who pretty much flirts in every language

Yep, this fill was kinda just based off that skit about Australian animals in various cities of Europe filled with pretty much every Aussie stereotype

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><p><strong>Reviews are appreciated.<strong>


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